Monthly Archives: April 2011

Midget-Wrath must hate me….

Standard

or never want me to have a desire to have sex ever again…

she Wiki’d a lot of random ass freaky genital piercings… I made “gnagn gnagn” noises… she isn’t creeped out or anything. I think there is something wrong with her… but I love her dearly.

Advertisements

Teeth

Standard

Just watched “Teeth” with my bestie, who I’m gonna call “Midget-Wrath” (long story), and since we are both English majors, we randomly found all sorts of symbolism and imagery and whatnot. Mainly stuff like “that tree looks like a vag.” and whatnot. Kinda brilliant.

At one point, we laughed so hard we about cried and we confused the dog.

I then texted my boyfriend about it and he said the idea of the movie scared him, since, ya know, he’s a boy…… this movie just made me and Midget-Wrath lol.

If you don’t know what this movie is about…. here’s a VERY brief synopsis…..

Girl is all into the purity ring trend or whatever, and dates this boy and he basically forces himself upon her in a cave. Her vag BITES THE END OF HIS DICK OFF LIKE IT WAS A PIECE OF SAUSAGE AT A FAT CAMP! (those were Midget-Wrath’s words…not mine…) Then she basically freaks out and goes to a Gyno…… who then lubes up his bare hand and shoves the whole freakin’ thing in her vag, and CHOMP! Then she finds a guy who seems like he’s trying to be sweet, but drugs her, they do it (a lot) and all seems good, until he, like a dumbass, answers the phone mid sex and admits that he got with her as a bet with a buddy. CHOMP! Then her freaky step brother (who when they were playing “Show me yours, I’ll show you mine,” her kiddie vag bit his finger) who had tried to get her in the sack let her mother writhe in pain while he screwed his girlfriend, so she seduces him and CHOMP! Then…. his dog gets out of its crate/cage thing and EATS THE END OF HIS MEMBER…. leaving the very tip where the Prince Albert piercing was……. Then she hitchhikes and a creepy old man picks her up and wont let her get out and makes creeeeeeeeeeeeepy faces and she just smirks at the camera and we went “OLD MAN ISN’T GONNA HAVE A PENIS ANYMORE IN ABOUT 5 MINUTES!”

This movie was so wrong it was hilarious. Even though I thought about family based revenge and my paper I was writing for my Lit and Ethics class that mentions “The Orestea” plays by Aeschylus….. “you kill my dad? I kill you back!” type thing…. Yeah….. </nerd>

And this movie led to me talking about funny noises and faces that are often made during sex. And then talking about sex in general and talking about penis experiences.

Oh, and when the dude who was almost a good guy had a finger vibe thingie that I sell at work, and of COURSE, I announced it…. ’cause I’m special.

I think this is my most vulgar post yet…. and that’s saying something.

Battering Ram

Standard

Spazz brought up, out of nowhere, something random involving penis sizes. Don’t ask how it got there. But it did.

Me: Don’t worry about the size of yours. There is such a thing as too big.
Spazz: What do you mean?
Me: Well. If a guy is small, then at least he can make up for it by having some good moves. If a guy is too big, no amount of lube will make that comfortable.
Spazz: ….. oh….
Me: Well? It’s true! Getting hit in the cervix hurts. My cervix is not a castle gate that needs to be beaten down by a battering ram!
*Spazz dies*

Sarcasm? M/F?

Standard

So, thisĀ  just happened.

Me: Sarcasm isn’t your friend, is it?
Spazz: He’s my best friend. We just don’t always get along.
Me: If you don’t get along, how are you best friends? And why is sarcasm a male?
Spazz: I dunno. Ask [Prude].
Me: No. Not gonna ’cause he’ll just say something like “because it is the language of men!”

Oh work, how I love thee.

Standard

I was at work, and there were these youngish guys being all kinds of special. Mamma had already messed with them. I felt it was my turn.

Dude 1: How much is this poster?
Me: *price*
Dude 1: Oh come on, you can give me some sort of discount, can’t you?
Me: Nope.
Dude 1: Well, then how about the discount where I just take it?
Me: I will chase you down!
Dude 1: You couldn’t catch me. I’m part of the Jamaican running team!
Dude 2: Hah! You’re the wrong skin tone, man!
Me: Hey now, my 7th grade PE teacher called me “Speedy Gonzales!”
Dude 1: My ex girlfriend called me “Speedy Gonzales”
Me: I don’t think that’s a compliment, dude. I think that’s a problem…?
Dude 2: Yeah, I wouldn’t think it would be a good thing.
Me: Hey, I have an ex I could call that….. now if only he would ever speak to me…

Oh, how I love work sometimes….. Not.

Standard

So, I had to rearrange my schedule today ’cause I have a flat tire and no jack to put my spare on to go get the tire plugged….. So….. I went in to work at 6 after my mom got home so I could take her car. Lucky me got to deal with this…

Me: Hi, sir, can I help you with something?
Man: *Holding “KY His and Hers”* Yeah, how much is this? I can’t find a price tag.
Me: Oh, I’ll go find out for you. *goes and finds out* It’s (price).
Man: Oh, thank you.

I watched him put the KY stuff back kinda near where it’s supposed to go and I go get a step ladder to put it up properly and to put the other boxes of it that were in weird places up and to straighten the merchandise on the shelf.

Man: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make a mess.
Me: It’s ok. I can fix it in a second.
Man: Well, at least I get to watch you get on a step ladder….

I wanted to tell him I am a happily taken woman or lie and say I’m a married woman. But instead, I just laughed awkwardly and walked off after fixing the stuff.

I just said something epic….

Standard

Spazz and Prude were being obnoxious. Spazz was throwing things and Prude was being sexist.
Me: If you two don’t stop, I am going to rip your testicles out through your throat!
Prude: Who. Calm down. I wasn’t doing anything.
Spazz: I don’t think my girlfriend would like that.
Me: There are other things you can do to/for her. Sexual intercourse isn’t everything.
Angry-San: Wait. Wait. Did she just say that sex isn’t everything?
Me and Mike: *paraphrased* No. The actual act of intercourse isn’t everything. There are things besides the actual penetration that are fun.
Me: The whole sexual experience is not just an erect penis being inserted into a moist vagina. *almost laughed by the end of it*
Mike: *dies laughing*