Category Archives: I’mma bitch

I just said something epic….


Spazz and Prude were being obnoxious. Spazz was throwing things and Prude was being sexist.
Me: If you two don’t stop, I am going to rip your testicles out through your throat!
Prude: Who. Calm down. I wasn’t doing anything.
Spazz: I don’t think my girlfriend would like that.
Me: There are other things you can do to/for her. Sexual intercourse isn’t everything.
Angry-San: Wait. Wait. Did she just say that sex isn’t everything?
Me and Mike: *paraphrased* No. The actual act of intercourse isn’t everything. There are things besides the actual penetration that are fun.
Me: The whole sexual experience is not just an erect penis being inserted into a moist vagina. *almost laughed by the end of it*
Mike: *dies laughing*


Because I sell vibrators…


I have a group of people I socialize with during my hourish break between my classes. One of the members of this group is a legit, actual, reliable friend. The others? I just like to mess with. We’re gonna give them fake names (or numbers, or something) to protect their identities. ‘Cause I don’t wanna ask for permission to use their names, and I can’t remember most of them. And it doesn’t REALLY matter who’s who.

Ok. Anywho. Actual friend is named Mike.
He has a religious psycho friend we’re gonna call Prude. He really doesn’t like me. I threaten to hit him with the Norton Anthology of Shakespeare on a regular basis.
There is also another nerd-boy, who we’re gonna call Spaz. I think he gets a kick out of me.
There’s also a long haired boy, who we’re gonna call Angry-San. I choose that name ’cause he really doesn’t like me, or my topics of conversation, so he gets mad at me regularly. So I continue with said conversations just to bug him. He does not approve.

Anywho. Today, I was quite proud of myself. I was making dirty jokes, as per usual, and Mike was getting a kick out of it. Angry-San decided to remind me that I spend more time talking about things of that nature than anything else. My response:
Me: Well. I work somewhere where I can say things like penis, clit stimulator, vibrator, lubricant, anal lube, etc, and no one gets mad at me…. depending on where I am in the store. So I’m desensitized.
Angry-San: Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
Me: Well. It’s not like I can go around at work saying things like *happy, perky retail voice* “this one makes you feel good in your special place!”
Mike: *dies laughing*

Few days ago, Spazz decided to give Prude a little birthday present. It was not a normal present. He decided it would be funny to give him an EMPTY box of condoms. Now, as the name suggests, Prude is anti pre-marital sex.
Spazz: Hey, I got you a present. *hands empty box*
Prude: Dude. What? Why? I don’t need this!
Me: Why….. because no woman will touch you?
Prude: Uncalled for, dude. Not cool.
Spazz: Hah. It’s an empty box, dude.
Prude: 0_______0

My goal is to make Mr Prude genuinely despise me with every fiber of his being. Same with Angry-San. I know how to push their buttons.  It’s fun.  I’m a bitch. I’m aware of this.