Category Archives: My friends love me

Teeth

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Just watched “Teeth” with my bestie, who I’m gonna call “Midget-Wrath” (long story), and since we are both English majors, we randomly found all sorts of symbolism and imagery and whatnot. Mainly stuff like “that tree looks like a vag.” and whatnot. Kinda brilliant.

At one point, we laughed so hard we about cried and we confused the dog.

I then texted my boyfriend about it and he said the idea of the movie scared him, since, ya know, he’s a boy…… this movie just made me and Midget-Wrath lol.

If you don’t know what this movie is about…. here’s a VERY brief synopsis…..

Girl is all into the purity ring trend or whatever, and dates this boy and he basically forces himself upon her in a cave. Her vag BITES THE END OF HIS DICK OFF LIKE IT WAS A PIECE OF SAUSAGE AT A FAT CAMP! (those were Midget-Wrath’s words…not mine…) Then she basically freaks out and goes to a Gyno…… who then lubes up his bare hand and shoves the whole freakin’ thing in her vag, and CHOMP! Then she finds a guy who seems like he’s trying to be sweet, but drugs her, they do it (a lot) and all seems good, until he, like a dumbass, answers the phone mid sex and admits that he got with her as a bet with a buddy. CHOMP! Then her freaky step brother (who when they were playing “Show me yours, I’ll show you mine,” her kiddie vag bit his finger) who had tried to get her in the sack let her mother writhe in pain while he screwed his girlfriend, so she seduces him and CHOMP! Then…. his dog gets out of its crate/cage thing and EATS THE END OF HIS MEMBER…. leaving the very tip where the Prince Albert piercing was……. Then she hitchhikes and a creepy old man picks her up and wont let her get out and makes creeeeeeeeeeeeepy faces and she just smirks at the camera and we went “OLD MAN ISN’T GONNA HAVE A PENIS ANYMORE IN ABOUT 5 MINUTES!”

This movie was so wrong it was hilarious. Even though I thought about family based revenge and my paper I was writing for my Lit and Ethics class that mentions “The Orestea” plays by Aeschylus….. “you kill my dad? I kill you back!” type thing…. Yeah….. </nerd>

And this movie led to me talking about funny noises and faces that are often made during sex. And then talking about sex in general and talking about penis experiences.

Oh, and when the dude who was almost a good guy had a finger vibe thingie that I sell at work, and of COURSE, I announced it…. ’cause I’m special.

I think this is my most vulgar post yet…. and that’s saying something.

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Highlights from work Saturday

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I worked with my 2 supervisors on Saturday. I’m gonna call them Cowgirl and Momma. If you knew them, you’d get it. 😛

This loud group of teenagers came in, and here are some of the wonderful things we said to them.

One of the kids picks up the edible “posing pouch” (male undies) and this happens.

Kid: Do you have to be 18 to buy this?
Me: Well. No.
Momma: But I think you’ll have a hard time finding someone to eat it off of you.
Me: Tell ya what. Find a way to prove to us that you know a FEMALE who will eat it off of you, and well sell it to you.

And earlier, this happened.

Me: So…. did you guys actually want something? Or did you have a question?
Kid (different kid, maybe): What’s this?
Me: A vibrator.
Kid: *long pause and laughter with his buddies* What does it feel like?
Me: …. A vibrator.

Later, unrelated to the above incident (which had a lot more awesome, just too lazy to type it all)…. this happened.
Me: Hey man, how are you today?
Dude: *mumbles something ending in “sex shop”*
Me: Excuse me?
Dude: This place is basically like a sex shop, huh?
Me: Well. The back corner is. Did you need something?
Dude: *walks that way*
Me: *notices a random spill* Hey, I gotta get this. If you have any questions, I’ll find you when I’m done with this.
Dude: *stands basically above the puddle of soda as I clean it* Just got here and I’m already in trouble, huh?
Me: I think it’s obvious that this spill wasn’t you…..
Momma: If it was, that would be impressive!
Me: *facepalm going on in head*
Dude: *walks to the back corner*
Me: *straightening merchandise* So. Did you have any questions about anything?
Dude: No. I just wanted an excuse to talk to you.
Me: Why?
Dude: You’re cute and you seem sweet.
Me: *blink blink blink* *thinking* The only people who ever hit on me just LOOK creepy as all hell…. this dude is almost attractive. Bad at hitting on people, but not as much of a creep as usual. Just keep straightening and he’ll go away. And flash your fake wedding band set…. *ACTUALLY says* Uhm…. Ok….
Dude: *can tell he’s being ignored, and probably saw the bling* Well, I should go before my buddies ditch me.
Me: Yeah. Losing them would be bad.

Immediately after that, I asked the girls to go with it if he came back and just agree that I’m married. My theory was to a guy in the Navy (attempt at semi intimidating, and decent income, and not entirely a lie…. closer to the truth that something else I could’ve come up with). They said they would go with the idea of me being married, but they would tell any guy who hits on me that I’m the type of girl who cheats on my (non existent) spouse. I love those girls.

Today’s post might be kinda long and stupid, but I’m about to go to bed and realized I was gonna post something random. May have put stuff I didn’t need to in here. But the point is still there.

Class tomorrow. Should get at least one good story out of it.

Nipple Clamps?

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My friends are special.
My bff and a mutual friend of ours were hanging out in my car at the NSCC parking lot one day not long ago. Because we can. So, being us, we started making dirty jokes and SOMEHOW….. Nipple Clamps came into conversation. I made a noise that I can not begin to spell in a way that properly displays the awkwardness of it.
This is as close as I can get: GNAGN GNAGN! *grabs own boobs and looks pained*
So, ever since this day, these 2 friends (along with others who have been around when they do this) like to just look at me with evil grins on their faces and say “NIPPLE CLAMPS!” and listen to me make the weird noise and flail uncontrollably. If they say it enough times in a short period I stop making the noise and just start twitching.
They even got my boyfriend to start doing it. This does not please me. But it’s still stupid funny. I make the noise no matter where I am. Which is further proof that I have no shame.